A Means To An End

Since school got out on June 20th I have done some serious soul-searching about what to do come fall.  Yes I realize it has only been 1 1/2 weeks but I have come to the realization I am almost ready to cut the cord.  ALMOST being the key word in that statement.

Two weekends ago I sat and talked to a friend about letting go.  She and I have been going through some of the same life changes. She is really good at asking the right questions.

Why am I holding on to the school bus?
What would I really like to do?
What am I most afraid of?
Where would I like the course I am taking to lead me?  This question could be interpreted in different ways, but both have the same meaning.

I have asked myself these questions of course, but it’s easy to avoid the answers in your own head.  Not so easy when they are asked out loud by someone else.  My truthful answers are as follows…

Why am I holding on to the school bus? Familiarity, stability, (even though last year was far from stable), knowledge, complacency, love of driving, freedom from being stuck inside a building for the better part of a day, twelve weeks off a year, and the wonderful kooky people I have come to call friends.

What would I really like to do? I am discovering I really would like to do something of some importance. Not personal recognition, but something that will make a difference in somebody’s life. I want to be a part of something good. I want to meet new people, make a connection with them, help them.  Learn, teach, explore new things and places. As silly as this may sound, I want to find out who I really am and what I am capable of.  Now I need to find a way to make a living being that person.

What am I most afraid of? Failure, success, being laughed at, not being good enough…Losing everything I have worked so hard to keep.  There is a part of me that is a free spirit and would love to just pack up and move around like a gypsy, but let’s face it, I’m 52 years old. The free-spirited lifestyle would be much easier on this body if I could sleep in a motor home instead of a tent.  I am afraid of losing the roof over my head.

Where would I like the course I am taking to lead me? She meant the classes I am taking, but it also could be interpreted as the course of my life.  I want it to lead me down a new career path with an income I can survive on.  One that I will be able to physically handle in another ten years.  One that I will enjoy doing. One that leads me to new opportunities. One where the inner me can come out and people around me won’t think I should be locked up.

I have talked with my husband and best friend about all this. He knows me better than anyone. Going back to driving the school bus in the fall will happen as a necessity. It will be looked at as a means to an end. Only becoming a sticky situation if I stand up and publicly start advocating for this cause.  Which I see myself doing.

Driving the school bus is no longer my career choice.  Working with patients, caregivers, advocates, and teachers in the medical marijuana field is.  The things I have learned, both good and bad, in the last couple of months has completely blown me away. I need to learn more and I need to teach people like me.

Putting this in writing is a very scary thing. My kids know I am going to school for this, my friends know, and some co-workers but this makes it public. It feels good.



About ramblinann

I live in Massachusetts and always have. I sell healthy holistic pet food as an independant rep with Life's Abundance. That is done mostly from home on my computer. When I'm not working for myself with the pet food, I am sitting behind the wheel of a big yellow school bus.
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