2013: The Year of Loss

The last couple of months of 2013, hell most of 2013, was very difficult to live through. My mother was living with us and had been diagnosed, with Alzheimer’s Disease.  We knew nothing! 

January to November became an ever-changing struggle to get mom the care she needed and deserved and keep ourselves from falling into an emotional, physical, and financial abyss.

If that was not enough stress, my employer filed for bankruptcy.  Sometime in the beginning of November we all received a wonderful form letter in the mail saying on December 31, 2013 all employees at said address would be terminated.  No job to return to after Christmas break, my husband not working, and no way to keep a roof over mom’s head.  *mental note to write about the dysfunctional Medicaid system, became more stress than I could handleEverything fell apart. I started keeping everything inside. Anger, stress, guilt, betrayal, sadness, … if there was a negative emotion it settled deep within me.

Not long after receiving the termination letter my mom went into the hospital then a rehab place/nursing home. She went down hill fast and there was nothing I could do to help her. I was completely powerless.

On December 26, I informed one prospective employer I would not be driving for them and another that I would.  I never went to my previous employer’s meeting. After confirming I would have a job come January 2nd I went to the nursing home where I sat holding my mom’s hand.  Some time that night while I sat there she took her last breath.  I honestly don’t remember the time.  It was done.  If there could be a trap door at the bottom of a bottomless pit, it opened.

For a couple of weeks I combined all the feelings of grief with the anger from the past year.  A recipe for disaster. I felt it physically, I felt it emotionally.  I went through my days like normal, but all I wanted was to be totally alone. I didn’t want to be a home, but I didn’t want to be at work.  In my mind I pictured getting in the car and driving away.  Just driving until I couldn’t go any further.

I once had a psychologist tell me running away was a form of suicidal thinking.  Was I suicidal?  Sad, blue, depressed at times, but suicidal?  No. Dreaming of running away was my form of escape from reality.  Some people turn to drugs or alcohol, I choose to drive away, and I only accomplish it in my mind. 

I knew I could not keep on this way and took a good hard look at my life.  It was not what I wanted.  It was nowhere near where I wanted it to be.  It was time to start making changes, without worrying what others thought.  Very scary for someone who has always tried to conform to what those others thought I should be.

Which brings me to the point of this whole story, Purging, which I have decided to put in a whole new post.

It will come in a bit because my computer crashed right on cue and I have found myself detoxing a bit from the electronic world.  Difficult at first, but not so bad once I realized this was what life used to be like when we weren’t “on” all the time.

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About ramblinann

I live in Massachusetts and always have. I sell healthy holistic pet food as an independant rep with Life's Abundance. That is done mostly from home on my computer. When I'm not working for myself with the pet food, I am sitting behind the wheel of a big yellow school bus.
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