When Creativity Is Lost

What do you write when life has drained all creativity out of you?  

The whole month of July came and went.  It was spent running back and forth to the city. Sitting for hours on end in the freezing cold SICU.  Dressed for winter while the temps outside topped off in the high 90’s.

I feel as if the cold has lodged in my soul and nothing is left to come out.  Nothing creative, nothing positive, nothing pleasant, nothing warm.

Mom is home.  She is frail, at best.  Her diet consists of soft, ground, and low fiber foods. Her memory level is low, and her anxiety level is high along with her confusion and paranoia.

It drains me completely.

I find myself counting the hours down until she goes to bed for the night.  Just so I can tune out of this world.  Things will progress as they must with me dragging along the best I can. When the time comes, I hope I am able to peel off the layers from the soul sucking cold of the SICU and feel some creative warmth again.


About ramblinann

I live in Massachusetts and always have. My family continues to grow with the addition of many grandchildren, who steal my heart every time I see them. Recently I was able to check off an item on my bucket list and earn my Associate Degree in Complementary Healthcare, but usually, I can be found sitting behind the wheel of a big yellow school bus. I love to write, though there seems to be some missing connection between my thoughts and the ability of my fingers to put those thoughts on paper, or the screen in this case.
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8 Responses to When Creativity Is Lost

  1. So sorry you’re going through this.

  2. maryannmetz says:

    I am sorry. Many of my friends are going through the challenge of aging parents. Mine have been gone for some time but I still have the memories of the end times – they suck everything out of you and, to be honest, I don’t think I’ve been able to fill myself again since. There are times when all we can do is painfully put one foot in front of the other, not knowing if we have enough strength to put another foot forward, not seeing any end in sight. What keeps us going? Some days I couldn’t even tell you; other days I just don’t care. Every so often, I see a break in the dark clouds and I dare to hope again. Those are the days that keep me going. I must be insane.

    • ramblinann says:

      Mary Anne It has taken me close to six months to get back here to read your comment. Six months of the ground slipping out from under my feet. I have lost so much since August I do find it hard to believe I am still able to get out of bed and function most days. I am focusing on the fact that I still have a roof over my head, and I have enough fight left in me to try to keep it that way. At least for the time being. The future holds only one guarantee. When that time comes most of us don’t get a do over and everything we worked to keep means nothing. It might be time to start letting go of some things so I can enjoy others.

  3. I am worried that you haven’t been blogging for a long time and I know that happens to me when I fall into depression.
    I hope you are OK and just busy??? Or at least not feeling like writing but still doing fine.
    Whatever you’re going through, I am sending love and thinking of you.

    • ramblinann says:

      Thank you for your wonderful thoughts. It means a lot to know someone was thinking of me. On December 26th I held my mom’s hand as she took her last breath. Things up until then had gone so far out of my control I just couldn’t even get words out. During the day I became a robot; at night a zombie. Suffice it to say Mid November up until now has been a bit of a blur. I will be back writing and going into further detail along the way. I am feeling the need to let go of everything that has built up inside, so beware.

  4. Even though you published this blog post a couple of months ago, I’m sending you all my positive energy. Hang in there (-:

    • ramblinann says:

      Thank you for your thoughts and positive energy. It is finally breaking through the wall I built. The last couple of months have been very difficult, but the light of day is starting to shine through once again.

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