No Title Today

To say I’m a little more frazzled then usual would be an understatement.  It’s not the holiday rush. My holiday isn’t going anywhere this year.  It’s everyday life.

I get up in the morning, go through a routine, and head out the door.  Doesn’t sound all that bad and it’s not.  Mornings, between 4:00 and 6:00 are the most relaxed part of my day.  My frazzlement, making up words, comes from knowing I have added onto my daily chores by bringing my mother here.  Partially here, as we still have not gotten to the apartment to finish cleaning out years and years of hoarding.  Add that to the list of must get done in the next 13 days.

That brings the anxiety meter up. Where am I going to put all this crap? Most of which is crap.  Papers, she saved papers. Boxes and boxes of bills, and obituaries, and medical stuff. All mixed together with old photos and crammed into boxes now.  Everything must be gone through sometime in my lifetime.  It’s going to take me a lifetime to do it. Meaning my life as I knew it has come to a crashing end.

This all brings me to the reason I started writing this morning.  Dementia.  Did you know hoarding can be associated with dementia?  A newsletter I receive couldn’t have been timed more perfectly.  The article was about seniors and hoarding but provided a link to signs and symptoms of dementia.

I already knew my mother was suffering from a form of dementia.  She has never been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, just  dementia. Not as scary a word I guess, but still life altering.

Simple every day tasks become impossible. Not because they are too difficult, but because she just can’t remember how. Not day-to-day can’t remember, minute to minute can’t remember.

Change the channel on the tv? She got it this morning, this afternoon nope (At least she has stopped reprogramming the dish) Heat up coffee or tea in the microwave? Can’t remember what buttons to push even though I put little color stickies on the only 3 buttons she needs.  Yellow then green.  Red to stop. She just can’t remember what the colors stand for.

She doesn’t always remember who the kids are though thankfully she remembers them when she sees them. She doesn’t have any concept of time. Days, months, and years have lost all meaning.

I don’t know how long it will take the disease to progress. There is no way to predict when more of her memory will fail.  Some days I think I should have left her where she was and others I think I need to start looking into long-term care.  It is mentally draining.

What I do know is she will stay here until we can no longer care for her. Whether that be due to her mental state or a physical ailment.  As I learned all too well from my in-laws and my own father, one physical problem can snowball and the result is a quick slide downhill.

What I am trying to learn from this whole thing is slow down and be patient.  Not my best traits by any means.  Rereading my Reiki training manual, learning new ideas for sending and receiving positive energy, and taking a good long look inside.

My mother needs me to be patient, love her, and take care of her.  I need me to be patient and take care of me.  It won’t be good for anyone if I melt down.


About ramblinann

I live in Massachusetts and always have. My family continues to grow with the addition of many grandchildren, who steal my heart every time I see them. Recently I was able to check off an item on my bucket list and earn my Associate Degree in Complementary Healthcare, but usually, I can be found sitting behind the wheel of a big yellow school bus. I love to write, though there seems to be some missing connection between my thoughts and the ability of my fingers to put those thoughts on paper, or the screen in this case.
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3 Responses to No Title Today

  1. Oh your poor thing. . . My heart goes out to you. My father was a REAL hoarder my mother became one after her mother died so I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND what you are going through.
    My advise is that I call all the things I lost in my mothers house the fire… If we had a fire I would have to…. what ever it is your looking to save it’s gone…. It’s just gone and there is nothing you can do to salvage them. I would make a list of vital records and try to get copies of them from there respective offices… It’s hard and sometimes as I look back on things I miss I know that I could not have found or salvaged them. the conditions in that home are TRULY so bad I have to do but things are things… all of your energy can be freed up and go to the care of your mother. I hope I helped. It’s just my story maybe you can find something in it to help you… Take care.

    • ramblinann says:

      Thank you, that is a good way of looking at things. When we moved her last time I threw out a whole bunch of “stuff” then last year when she was in rehab and what we thought was going to be long term care I started purging again. Wouldn’t you know everything I got rid of she went looking for.
      I wouldn’t be sweating it if I had somewhere to put this stuff until I could go through it, but I only paid her rent through the end of the month. I don’t want to spend my whole vacation at her old apartment and if she wants to help it takes 3x as long. I’m thinking a storage unit around the corner might be in order and I can bring a box home once a week. One way or another it has to be done.

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