Lately I feel like I am fighting a raging tide to keep my sanity. It’s days like today that make me feel I should have booked some time in a padded room.
First it was another day of heading to Worcester. The city that makes my skin crawl and sets me into a near anxiety attack whenever I think of being there. I can not explain it, don’t even ask. I honestly don’t know what it is about that place that sets me off. I just know it does.
So today was mom’s doctor’s appointment. At a place I hate, in a city I hate, with a doctor I strongly dislike (hating the doctor is a bit strong). We were off and running when I pulled up to the patient unloading zone and had to stop in the middle of the driveway because some woman was parked, chatting on her phone. She gave me a look like “oh did you need to pull up here?” then proceeded to turn her head and keep talking. I wanted to kick in her headlights. My mother however, made it safely out of the Jeep and into the building. I then went to park. You see handicap parking doesn’t necessarily mean “close” parking.
After a half hour wait, we were called, well she was called, I’m just along for the ride. Physically everything is GREAT! Blood pressure, heart, kidneys, liver. YEA!! Only thing off is Vitamin D levels. No problem unless the doctor refuses to listen. She is prescribing a vitamin D supplement. I repeated numerous times that my mother does not like the big pill. She said it smells funny and she can’t swallow it.
“But it’s only once a week.”
“Yes but she won’t take it. Doesn’t vitamin D come in small yellow gel caps?”
“No that’s fish oil.”
“No, I know what fish oil is. Vitamin D comes in little yellow gel things. That is what she took before because she wouldn’t take the big pill. She didn’t like the smell She took the things that she thought were like little gold eggs”
“They are made with fish”
“The vitamin D are made with fish?”
“No, fish oil”
“We have fish all the time at home. I can smell it all the way upstairs. I don’t like the smell, it smells like they caught it way out in the middle of the ocean.”
“You have fish at home, yes, it does not smell good. These pills are once a week. You can put them in the refrigerator. Do you have a refrigerator where you live? They are not made of fish.”
“She won’t remember to take them if they are in the refrigerator, and she doesn’t like the smell of the vitamin D pills. She needs to take the little yellow gel caplets.”
“OK so they are the ones made from fish. I will prescribe the once a week ones”
REALLY? ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME? WHAT PART OF THIS DO YOU NOT GET? It is like she knows I am speaking, but she doesn’t care. I tell her this, this, and this, is going on, but she feels because she doesn’t see it, it isn’t real. So back to the vitamin D. She sends off a prescription to the mail order place, who hopefully won’t send it without someone, namely me, requesting it be filled. In the meantime I will hit CVS and get some of the “little gold eggs” that she will take. Can you say Deja Vu?
So the medical assistant comes in, gives a B12 shot, does a quick EKG, and we are good to go. At least we are good to go to the parking lot. It has stopped raining so my mother is going to walk. It’s not that far today and she needs to keep moving. I get her all situated in the Jeep and walk across the parking lot to the valet guy who validates handicapped tickets. He codes the ticket and tells me to go inside to pay.
“No it’s handicap, it’s free.”
“No, UMass raised their rates a couple of weeks ago. It’s $2.00”
“What if I didn’t have $2.00?”
“The machine takes credit cards.”
“FOR $2.00? Are you people insane? Are you freakin kidding me?”
At that point I didn’t even bother to try to keep my cool. I’m surprised security didn’t approach me while I was walking back across the parking lot to get the $2.00 so I could walk back across the parking lot to the building to pay for the handicap parking spot that was on the other side of the parking lot. The men with the butterfly nets and white suits should just come get me. It would make everyone’s life so much easier.
All this makes me feel horrible. I am trying so hard to accept my life and where I am in my life. It is what it is. I have total responsibility for this situation. I am happy my mother is healthy physically. She could be sick and in pain which I don’t want. It’s just add this to everything else I am trying to keep together and it gets too over whelming. Keeping my sanity is over rated. Especially when it is hanging by a very thin thread. I see a pair of scissors in the near future.