Depression

Hi everyone.  I have been gone for a bit.  I have written something like 5 or 6 entries, but have not finished or published one.   Most of them are angry or depressed ramblins.  Work sucks, my life sucks, I haven’t seen my husband in a couple of days, “why me?” kind of stuff.

I feel better this morning.  Much better.  Not sure if it’s because it’s Sunday and I don’t have to go to work, or because I was finally able to spend some time with my husband last night.

A ramblin recap of the last couple months and I am ready to move on.

My husband went back to work after his winter layoff and lasted 4 days.  We talked about it and agreed; he needed to get out of there.  He remedied quitting that job quickly and is working at something he loves.  Big drawback is we never knows when he will get home.  But he is happy.
During this whole time the proverbial shit was hitting the fan at my job.  Without going into details let’s just say when it became public that the married boss was in a relationship with one of the employees, who I am friendly with, things started to get nasty. People posted comments online and childish, but personal attacks, became fodder for every nut job out there who wanted to bash school bus drivers.  When I posted the list for the ABC Award # 19 says Smelly (not)  That is in reference to these personal attacks.  According to the public, we are all stupid, fat ass, and smelly.   Yet these people can’t get their kids on the buses fast enough in the morning.  Hmmmm.
If that wasn’t enough we had some disgruntled employees take it to new heights and make claims against the company because of the bus one of them drove.  Whether it was the same employees in the first online posting and the newspaper article/OSHA report I don’t know.  I do know it makes the end of the school year miserable for the rest of us.
Because of all that is happening at work I have been busy.  I also decided to spend last weekend with my kids, my grand kids, and my husband.  Bad idea on the mom front.  I should have gone to the cemetery like a good girl. Helped my uncle plant flowers, and complain about or judge how others live their lives.  First let me tell you I don’t do cemeteries.  I know forever we have put people in holes in the ground and gone and visited them.  I can’t wrap my head around that. I believe their physical bodies are there, but their spiritual essence is everywhere. Do I see dead people? No, but I feel them.  This goes against that strict Catholic upbringing where everyone sits in a holding pattern until Jesus returns.  I try to avoid all situations that involve this and my mother.  She lives for the Catholic stuff and every thought I have is disrespectful to it, thus her too.   MUST AVOID AT ALL COSTS!
So this past week was like the Grand Finale, I hope. I worked two days between bus routes.  Helping shuttle some buses back and forth for state inspection, and scrubbing the insides of others.  I had to take the day Thursday and actually get some stuff done at my house, laundry, dishes, vacuum, those kind of things that I have neglected.  I also had paperwork for my mother’s new lease that had to be tended to.  It was a beautiful day and I could have just kept going, but nope had to stop and go back to a very stressful afternoon on the bus.  Oh did I mention I received a letter from my son on Thursday?  Yes his temporary address is at The Worcester House of Corrections.  Yup my son is in jail for getting caught driving without a license while on probation for a dwi.  Thought that would be the highlight of my day, but no.  After work my mother called to find out if I was coming in because she had no milk, bread, or money.  Did I ever mention she has meals served to her? They aren’t the greatest, but she can get milk from there and she has a girl coming to the house to go to the store.  What the hell is this girl doing?  I know what the duties are of a homemaker because I used to do it between bus routes.  Why isn’t this girl going to the store?  WHY? Because my mother has no money, and yes she says she could write a check to the store, but she didn’t.  So I had to give up my Saturday morning that I needed to work, so that I could go sit at her hairdressers and wait for her.  Then bring her to the store.  Where she didn’t buy bread because she had 1/2 loaf at home. GGGGRRRRR
I do know it is just a ploy to get me there.  I know I need to go but I don’t want to go, which makes me a horrible daughter, and brings on a ton of guilt. Which in turn makes me feel resentful because I see my whole life ticking away and there is nothing I can do about it.  That depresses me and then I feel more resentful, which makes me feel guilty again.
It is a vicious circle that I see no escape from. If my mother wasn’t my mother, meaning if she enjoyed life, things might be different. If she had any hobbies, if she wasn’t so judgemental about everyone, if she had ever really been a happy person, I could pack her up and have some fun.  She is in fairly good health for someone her age, but her whole life revolves around the church. She does no activities unless it has to do with them. She thought it was great to move where she is because nuns and priests live there. She also doesn’t  like people who are always going going going.  She thinks they need to rest.  I on the other hand feel I’ll rest when I’m dead.  I don’t want to miss a single thing.  Life is too short and mine is getting shorter by the day. I want to be gone from here, travel, see things, laugh more, but once again I feel myself tied here because of someone else’s hold on me.

It’s a depressing thought, but one I will push aside this Sunday morning while the sun is shining and I have the day to re-energize.  What tomorrow will bring is anyone’s guess.  I will be happy and enjoy today.

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About ramblinann

I live in Massachusetts and always have. I sell healthy holistic pet food as an independant rep with Life's Abundance. That is done mostly from home on my computer. When I'm not working for myself with the pet food, I am sitting behind the wheel of a big yellow school bus.
This entry was posted in All In A Day, Frustration & Aggravation, Parental Caregiving, This and That and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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