Am I Really This Stupid?

WARNING *  This post will almost certainly contain some pretty bad language.  I am extremely pissed and just have to get it out.  If cursing offends you please go no further.   Come back tomorrow when I have calmed down.

Am I really this stupid? Maybe I shouldn’t ask that question.  Maybe I should rephrase it.  How can I be this frigging stupid?  Really, how can I be?  Haven’t I learned over all these years that I know NOTHING!!!  I will never be right and daddy dearest will always have all the answers. He would never screw anyone over including his own kids and I will always be the over protective butting in mother.

You see this all revolves around control and a house that, 20 years ago, I fell in love with when I was still married to an ass.  The house spoke to me.  I walked in the front door and it wrapped itself around me.  I was home.  Thankfully the ass’s mother had inherited a lot of money she did not want, because we needed some.   See we were in foreclosure with the house we lived in.  That is another story about control that I won’t go into now.  My then mother in law paid cash for this big farm style house and we made plans to move in.   Plans changed however and I told the ass I wanted a divorce. The kids and I moved in with my now husband.  I was finally starting to take back control of MY life.

Over the years he has undermined me anywhere he could.  Anything to maintain control over things. He’s very good at being shrewd. He always comes out smelling like a rose when in reality he should smell like shit.  Me on the other hand always takes the fall.  It’s me the kids hated, me they moved away from, and me that is made to feel like I am too stupid to have a clue.    I guess maybe I am, because I keep thinking things have changed then BAM I get knocked flat on my ass by a simple comment.

This all because of a house.  The house I fell in love with.  The house he gave us a months notice to get out of in 2000 and told us it was my oldest daughter who wanted us out.  The house that my ex mother in law bought in cash so the kids would have a roof over their heads because she couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her own son.  The person who claimed in court he didn’t have enough money to support his kids managed to finagle a mortgage on the house, take over the trust, and gain control. The beautiful old house that had a life, a spirit, a history; was gutted.

Present day…My oldest daughter, who by the way never said she wanted us out of that house, is building her own house.  She and my son-in-law will be moving out of the “kids” house in the fall.  My two sons wanted to move in and split the cost.  It really was supposed to be their house too after all.  Well daddy told them he has the final say.   My oldest managed to get himself into trouble again and now I haven’t heard from him.  He is no longer moving into the house. Daddy dearest must be pulling his strings again.  My youngest who is still struggling through college is now looking for roommates.   I learned all this on Facebook.  He is looking for roommates who are his friends.  Friends who are willing to pay $1,000+ a month to live in this house.  Now let me make this clear.  Not $1,000+ combined.  $1,000+ each because that’s what daddy told him it cost for mortgage and utilities.  REALLY? $3,000+ a month?

So big mouth me says they are insane for paying that much.  They should and could find a house or apartment that is much closer to work and school for much less.  I get back “and in january when i graduate and dont want to be living in a terrible house in fitchburg and want to live in the house that i grew up in then what? and even if we did find a cheaper place it wont be anywhere near as nice as this house. as long as i find a decent job in my field when i graduate i will have no trouble affording this house”

Well I guess he told me. I’m the one who moved him to a “terrible house” in the city when his father threw us out of this much nicer house.  What do I know about being able to afford it NOW not in January if there is a good job out there?  What do I know about bending over and getting boinked up the ass by this guy? Absolutely NOTHING because daddy is running the show and mommy should just keep her thoughts and feelings to herself.

From now on that is what I am going to do.  I don’t want to see my kids get taken, but I am making myself sick worrying how I can stop it when I can’t say anything bad about him.  I just have to let it be. If my son can’t find any other suckers then the house will probably sit empty.  No one in their right mind is going to pay $3,000 a month to rent this house.  It is not in a convenient location, it has no privacy, and no special draws except a hot tub.  WOOOHOOO!!!  It has a burnt factory on one side and the sewage treatment plant on the other.  Yup I see the people banging down the door to rent this house.

Part of me would really like to see him get foreclosed on, but I know it would hurt my kids.  As much as I can’t protect them from him I really don’t want them to lose everything because of him.  I’ve been there, done that, had the t-shirt.

Some days I just want to pack my bags and move far away.  Today is one of those days.  If it weren’t for my mother and now the babies, we would be gone. I could care less about this house.  It never called to me.  It is just a place I am renting from the mortgage company until I move into senior housing.   Maybe I could try renting it to my kid for $2,000 a month.  It is missing the hot tub after all.

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About ramblinann

I live in Massachusetts and always have. I sell healthy holistic pet food as an independant rep with Life's Abundance. That is done mostly from home on my computer. When I'm not working for myself with the pet food, I am sitting behind the wheel of a big yellow school bus.
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One Response to Am I Really This Stupid?

  1. I’m not sure what to say. I don’t think you are needing advice really, I think you just needed to release this stuff. Just think, maybe one day they will get it, maybe one day he will understand. It is part of their life and they have chosen their own experiences. xx

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