On Monday, while filling in on a bus route, I was thrown for a loop when I picked some kids up at one of my old houses. Stopping at this house brought up a boat load of memories. Memories that I haven’t thought about in over 20 years.
Good times like birthday parties, Christmas mornings, and playing Kickle Cubical with my kids on their first Nintendo. Not so good times like telling my ex I wanted a divorce. It all came back in a rush and processing it has put me in a tail spin.
I can’t concentrate on today because my brain keeps going back to “what if.” What if I had told my ex to move out instead of me packing the kids up and leaving? What if I had fought him harder for support so I could have lived there? What if I had worked with the bank to keep the house? Would my life be any different now if I had done any of these things?
The funny thing is I never connected to that house even though I built it with my own two hands. When I lived in it with my ex husband it was just a house. At the end of our relationship I could not find any reason I wanted to stay. The bad feelings way out shadowed all the good.
So why almost 20 years later am I feeling this way? Why did a house I didn’t even like trigger all these memories? The biggest question, how do I get past them so I can get back to living?